Feeling Resentful

When we feel resentful it usually is because we feel like someone has mistreated us or disrespected us in some way. Not only is it really frustrating to feel this way but it's also a clear signal that it’s time to speak up and perhaps set a boundary. But not for the reason you might think.

Most people think that a boundary is a tool to control other people's behavior.

When someone does something you don't like, you let them know that the behavior is not acceptable to you and you ask them not to do it again. But guess what? Chances are they will do it again.  This is when the resentment builds up.  You think it means that they don’t respect you, right? Wrong.

It means they are doing what humans do, which is living their life the way they want to.

The purpose of a boundary isn't to control someone else's behavior. The purpose of a boundary is to protect your physical or emotional space.

And it's your responsibility to protect it, not theirs. 

I coach my clients on boundaries all the time and the most common mistake I see over and over again is when they set a boundary but don't follow through with a consequence.

Here's an example:

Let's say every time you go to a family gathering, your uncle always asks you when you and your partner are going to have a baby, and it always makes you deeply uncomfortable. You finally decide you've had enough and you ask him not to ask you that anymore.

This is not a boundary. This is you trying to control his behavior.

A boundary is you stating what you will do if the person continues that behavior. It is not you telling that person how to behave.

A boundary always has a request and a consequence.  If you do _______________ then I will _______________.  An example in this situation would be:

"I know you care about me and want me to be happy but whether or not we have a baby is private and not up for discussion. If you ask me again about when we will have a baby, I will excuse myself and leave the conversation."

Setting healthy boundaries is an important part of optimizing your mental and emotional health and can actually strengthen your relationships, if you do them right.