What were you taught about Relationships?

Most of us struggle in our relationships because we were never taught how to be in one.

We all had templates handed down to us as a child from family.  What are your templates so you can change them for yourself and your children?

It’s easy to find your templates.  Notice when you are feeling triggered by something someone says or does.  Be aware of those situations you try to avoid.  What are those “difficult conversations” you would rather not have?  Becoming aware of these is the key to identifying your underlying assumptions. 

Some of my templates looked like this:

·      I never saw my parents get angry at each other.  If anger looked like it might be on the horizon, I assumed I had to do everything I could do to avoid it.

·      Whatever my father said in the house was the rule. My mom didn’t challenge or confront him. I figured men were always right and I was supposed to avoid any type of confrontation.

·      One of my sister’s died at age 13 but it was never talked about.  I learned not to talk about things that could make others uncomfortable.

·      My parent’s marriage looked free of conflict.  I thought mine should look just like that.

·      People drank too much alcohol and acted differently but never talked about it the next day. I assumed this meant to avoid difficult conversations.  

·      I was always cleaned up and looked nice for when dad came home. I assumed my worth was determined by how I looked and how quiet I was.

These are just some examples of what came up for me when I started asking myself the questions.  Many of the communication challenges, especially for women, stem from not being taught to speak openly and assertively.  In many cases we were taught just the opposite; to people please, be passive, quiet, and not to rock the boat. We didn’t see what assertive, open communication looked like.  What we may have seen was passive- aggressive behavior masquerading as assertiveness.  It looks like manipulating an outcome without directly asking for it. It doesn’t make for honest relationships and doesn’t have us showing up with courage and integrity. 

Identifying the templates doesn’t mean immediately changing them.  First, we become aware, then we accept, and then we can move into action.  The good news is that we CAN reprogram our brains. 

Accepting starts with compassion and curiosity for ourselves and our families.  We are all human and however our families raised us I believe they did the best they knew how to given the templates and tools they had. Some of the templates are just not useful for creating a connected relationship.  We get to look at them and decide if we want to continue with them or not.  As you are making your discoveries, and deciding which templates you want to continue for yourself and your children, be compassionate and loving.  When it is time for action, it takes courage.  It takes a willingness to feel uncomfortable trying new ways of communicating.  But I promise you, learning to accept the discomfort and moving forward in a new way with integrity and the courage to express your desires is where all the magic is.  Are you ready? Start looking at what triggers you, what you are avoiding, and what “difficult conversations” you would rather not have?