When you’ve been left.
Are you the one that was left behind in a relationship? Or did a circumstance change that you did not desire or was against your will? Read on for 5 ways to help you get through it.
1- Allow yourself to grieve and cry. Most people get angry and mad because they feel powerless and out of control. They want to lash out, try and control, try to change the reality, or blame the other person. They get mad. If this sounds familiar to you, it’s okay. But then then from that place of anger, you don’t want to react or take action. You just want to monitor your thoughts. You will see what is underneath your anger is really grief and sadness. These emotions need to be processed. If you are in anger and blame, you won’t be able to drop into the grief to process it.
At this stage, also ne careful not to internalize the blame. Don’t make it into there being something wrong with you. Relationships end sometimes. Even if the reason you are being left is because you did something that you now feel was wrong. It does not make you any less of a human being or any less worthy. There is a difference between doing something wrong and being a wrong person. Clarify this with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up using thoughts against yourself. It won’t serve you or anyone around you. We sometimes feel that beating ourselves up will somehow make the pain for ourselves or the other person less, but this is not true. It just amplifies the pain.
Grief is a clean emotion. You can be in grief for as long as you need to be. It feels heavy. Give yourself as much time as needed to get through it. Love yourself.
2- Get support. A therapist or coach will help you process all the emotions. When someone leaves you in a significant way, you will be obsessed with it. You will try to talk to everyone you know about it. People will get tired of hearing about it and will give you terrible advice. Get yourself into some kind of program with your coach or therapist so that you can just talk for a full hour and hear your own thoughts about it out loud. Ask questions, express yourself, notice your angry thoughts, etc.. A coach or therapist will be able to help you pull out the thoughts that aren’t serving you. Like railing against the other person or yourself. You will move forward in your life when you process pain and hear yourself communicate something in your life by being in the presence of someone who can hold space for you.
When in pain it is very tempting to buffer (do something rather than feel your emotions). This might look like, over-eating, doing drugs, drinking alcohol, date lots of people, hide, watch Netflix, or anything to numb or avoid the pain. I want to encourage you not to do that. Feel the pain and let yourself be human. Use it to grow and evolve.
3- Get in touch with your identity. When in a relationship, we create an identity with this person. You’ve lived a life with them, made compromises, maybe have kids together, loved, shared and laughed. A part of your identity was given up to blend with the other person. Now it is an opportunity to take your power back. You get to decide who you are and who you want to be. You get to re-evaluate your life. How many things were you doing in the relationship that you want to change? What do you want to stop doing or start doing? Where do you want to go? Do you want the same friends? Is this an opportunity for you to do something else? Make decisions to get your life back. When you make decisions, you get your power back. Brainstorm I want to ……
4- Write down how you want the other person to be. Then let it go. You may want the other person to act a certain way. How do you wish they would be? Maybe you have children together and you have a whole plan on how they should be with the children. Maybe you want them to come back, or to completely stay away, or to be friends with you. Whatever it is, write it all down. Then, let it all go. You can ask them for what you want, but don’t expect it. Adults get to do whatever they want to do. Trying to get another person to be a certain way never works. The more you try to control other people, the more helpless you will feel. This is what will keep you stuck in pain. Just concentrate on yourself and what you want.
5. Plan your future. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Pick goals that make you feel true to yourself. Write down on paper all the things you want to create and why. Define your future instead of staying in your past. What did you think about a long time ago that you gave up on? How might this be happening FOR you? Giving your mind a focus for the future instead of spending time on the past gives you a purpose. Heartbreaks are not new. People who process the pain and utilize it to make themselves stronger and go to the next opportunity in their life, can look back at it as just being a part of their life. Your personal happiness is not destroyed by someone leaving you. Use it as an opportunity for growth, truth and love.
Do not let someone leaving you define you in a negative way. Have it define you in a positive way. Let it turn out to be something that supports you because you have learned how to rely on and love yourself.
What can you create? Who can you be? What do you want now? Step into that next version of yourself.
Through the process of going through the pain, you can come out stronger and loving yourself more. Or you can use it to destroy yourself. The other person doesn’t have the power to make that decision, only you do. Use your power to do what is best for you, loving yourself through it all.