Difficult Conversations

Most of us avoid difficult conversations out of fear for how the other person will react, having to state all our reasons why we are right or simply because we don’t like confrontation.  Communication is very important in all relationships and yet most of us have no idea how to communicate without blame, frustration, defensiveness or justification.  Here are 5 steps on how it’s possible to approach a “difficult” conversation with a guaranteed different outcome.

1)    Clean up your own thinking - First, maybe just get rid of the word “Difficult”.  It is, after all, just a conversation and bringing some neutrality to your thoughts can help.  Be willing to be wrong.  It’s part of being human to want to be right but it is not useful when you are having a conversation.  To find peace in a relationship, give up right or wrong. This immediately removes the need for defense.  Take a deep breath and come from a place of peace.

2)    Start the conversation by asking the other person a question - “Tell me what you are thinking”, or “Why do you think you’re right” or “Tell me why I’m wrong”. Be willing to listen.  Like really listen.  No interruptions or corrections.  You don’t need to agree.  Put yourself in the other persons shoes.  Where are they coming from? Does it make sense if you were them? Make sure you really hear them and continue to release your defensiveness, disagreement and judgement while listening.  They may or may not ask you to do the same thing.  Don’t expect it and it isn’t necessary.

 3)    Identify the Facts and Agree on them – Facts stand alone and are neutral.  They are common ground. No adjectives or emotional words are tied to facts.  You both have to agree on them. Some examples are:

You said you would be home by 11:00.

You did not call or text before I called you.

I called you and we spoke.

My phone was on vibrate when you called me back.

I didn’t answer my phone.

You arrived at 12:30.

4)    Figure out what each person is making the fact mean – You each can boil it down to a sentence.  For example, “When you didn’t arrive when you said you would, and didn’t call or text, I felt like I didn’t matter to you” or “I was worried something bad happened to you”. The other person may say “I was super swamped running errands, didn’t have time to call, and then when you called me to find out where I was, you sounded pissed-off. That made me feel unappreciated.”  

5)   Talk about Solutions – How could you have done it differently?  What would you both be willing to do?  If the same situation happens again, what will you do? Brainstorm solutions without going back and rehashing everything again.  This is solution time.  What can you both agree on?