Relationship with a Chocolate Caramel Egg

I love April. It is my most favorite time of year.  It brings back memories of growing up in northern California.  The daffodils would come into bloom underneath the cherry tree, the days were longer, sun was shining, and best of all, the pool heater would get turned on.  The day that marked all of this was Easter.

 This year as I prepared my daughter’s Easter basket, I bought 2 Chocolate caramel eggs. One for her and one for me. I did this because I wanted to re-create a childhood feeling that was both enjoyable and uncomfortable.

 On Easter Sunday, we went to church first thing in the morning as a family.  Once we got home, we were allowed to search for the baskets that the Easter bunny had lovingly created for each of us and hidden somewhere in the house. When I found my basket, on this special day, I was allowed to eat chocolate before breakfast.  This was such a treat that I would totally over eat.  Eating so much chocolate that my stomach hurt.  When my mom called me for breakfast, I still ate the eggs and pancakes she had prepared even though I was feeling sick to my stomach from both guilt and chocolate.  Why did I eat so much chocolate? Why did I make myself sick?  My sisters. Didn’t do this, so what was wrong with me?  From this super young age, I was already judging myself.  Nothing good came from the guilt.  I just ate more chocolate to comfort myself.

There was some of those same feelings that came up for me this year when I ate the large chocolate, caramel egg.  I had that same fun feeling of excitement about eating chocolate before breakfast. I still felt joy opening the wrapper and biting into the chocolate, gooey caramel egg. I still had a stomach ache afterward. I even went on to eat pancakes with family and friends.  But I noticed that something was different.  I didn’t feel guilty.  And I didn’t eat more candy.  What changed?

Through all this new thought work I’ve been doing, I consciously planned to eat the caramel egg.  I was already prepared to feel sick to my stomach from the sweetness. I actually enjoyed the physical churning in my belly knowing that I had successfully re-created both the joyous feeling of eating a childhood delight and the pain that came with doing so.  The pleasure was definitely worth the uncomfortable feeling.  Embracing, allowing, accepting both the pleasure and the pain took away all the guilt.  I didn’t need to eat more chocolate to comfort myself.  I already felt fantastically comfortable with being uncomfortable.