Intimacy- What are you Afraid of?

Intimacy is sometimes described as “a close familiarity or friendship”.  Having an interpersonal relationship involves physical or emotional intimacy. Even though an intimate relationship is commonly thought of as a sexual relationship, intimacy also shows up non-sexually.   

How is it different from sex? If you think of intimacy as connection, becoming one with another, feeling safe around another person, or allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you can see that intimacy appears in many ways. Here are the 5 most common types of intimacy:

1)    Emotional- Sharing of thoughts and feelings with the ability to limit expectations from the other person and no judgement or abuse

2)    Intellectual- Ability to communicate your opinions. Having respectful, non-convincing, discussions, where you are both listened to and heard.

3)    Experiential- Sharing of experiences like working as a team, connecting from past things done together (vacations, having children, inside jokes etc..)

4)    Spiritual- Mutual respect for one another’s beliefs- The ability to be spiritual in whatever way that is and feel safe. In awe, church, synagogue, sunsets, beach walks, the mountains.

5)    Physical- Sexual intimacy.  Keep in mind that If even 2 of the above 4 aren’t working, it can be hard to have physical intimacy

If you think about your own intimacy with your partner, how would you rate these different aspects on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being super intimate?

What are some things you could do to raise the levels knowing that it will be crucial to become vulnerable?  Yes, that’s the scary part.  Vulnerability does not come easy to us.  It makes sense since our brain is always trying to keep us safe.  The very definition of vulnerability is enough to make us avoid it:

The state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked either physically or emotionally.

Yikes! You might ask yourself “Who would ever want to go there?”, but I promise you this is the key.  Speaking the truth, opening up about what you are really thinking and feeling and admitting that sometimes your thoughts are a mess that you don’t know what to do about it, is what will bring you closer to your partner.

You can begin by getting to know yourself.  In what ways do you feel vulnerable? A good way to find out is by asking yourself what some of the things are that you do when you are by yourself, that you don’t do in front of your partner.  Here are some examples:

·      Sing or dance out loud

·      Cry

·      Have a strong opinion about something and don’t say anything

·      Listen to a different type of music

·      Have sexual fantasies or needs but don’t verbalize

·      Share how you feel

·      Dress a certain way

·      Want the other person to do something but don’t ask them (go to a movie, church, walk in park, drive etc..)

Now ask yourself:

Why am I not willing to do these things in front of them?

Is it because I think they might judge me? What if they did?

Are there thoughts like “If they knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me”?

But what if they did?  What if by being your true self and not a pretend version of yourself actually brought you much closer?  Isn’t that what you would want from the person you love? To love them just as they are and to be loved just as you are. Don’t you feel closer to your partner when they share their innermost feelings?   It only happens if you are willing to be uncomfortable with feeling vulnerable.  But it is so worth it.  I promise you, even being willing to be a little bit vulnerable in any of the areas listed above will improve your intimacy with your partner or at the very least, have you showing up as your true self and being a step closer to the type of relationship you’ve always dreamed of.