We can’t control other people's emotions, but we can control our own.
People can say hurtful words to us. I like to remember that only hurting people say or do hurtful things. It’s easy to think that we caused it. No matter how hard we try, we cannot control what other people say or do. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. But what we CAN do is control our own emotions.
Recently a client told me that their mother said “You’re the worst of all my children”. It left her drained and confused. Looking for evidence where it might be true. Wanting her mother to be “like a real parent, loving and kind”. I had to remind her that those are just words. They don’t have power over her until she starts to put thoughts around it. The thoughts she was having about her mother having favorites were causing her sadness and pain. This in turn had her saying something to defend herself, trying to get her point across and judging her mother. None of which was helping her feel better or having her show up as her best self.
It’s common that when someone says hurtful words to us, we may wonder what we did to rouse their anger, and we take their actions personally. We may ask ourselves what we could have done to compel them to behave or speak that way toward us. It's important to remember that there are no real targets in hurtful words that are spoken and that it is usually a way for the attacker to redirect their own uncomfortable feelings away from themselves. When people are overcome by strong emotions, like hurt or anguish, they may see themselves as victims and lash out at others as a means of protection or to make themselves feel better. It is helpful to remember not to take the other persons behavior personally. How do you do that? By becoming aware of your own thoughts, detaching for protection, and then consciously deciding what you want to think. This takes work and practice as our minds immediately jump to thoughts and beliefs we may have been carrying around for years. By detaching and choosing your thoughts, you will create a feeling that may even look like compassion for this person, remembering that their behavior isn't as much about you as it is about their needs and emotions.
If you have difficulty remaining unaffected by someone's behavior, take a moment to breathe deeply and remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong, and you aren't responsible for people's feelings. If you can see that this person is indirectly expressing a need to you -- whether they are reaching out for help or wanting to be heard -- you may be able to get them to talk about what is really bothering them.
You cannot control other people's emotions, but you can control your own. If you sense yourself responding to their negativity, try not to let yourself. Keep your heart open to them, and they may let go of their defensiveness and yield to your compassion and openness.